Open thread on shared meal etiquette

My family does that too (4.00 / 8)

assigning people what food to bring. Most people who are told to bring something they don't want to bring make their assigned dish AND bring what they actually want to bring in addition. Yeah it's extra work and money, but I think they all get secret pleasure over noting if people prefer THEIR dish over the assigned one :)

"I can understand someone from Iowa promoting corn and soy, but we are not feeding the world, we are feeding animals and soft drink companies." - Jim Goodman

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by: Jill Richardson @ Tue Apr 07, 2009 at 02:56:36 AM UTC

I'd never heard of it before (4.00 / 7)

last year. My sister thought it was very odd. I prefer bringing a dish that my hosts don't normally cook for themselves--if they do, they probably won't like my version as much as what they're used to making.

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by: desmoinesdem @ Tue Apr 07, 2009 at 03:02:33 AM UTC

[ Parent ]

Why don't you explore the rules (4.00 / 3)

of the road with your cousin? How much leeway is she comfortable with, why does she assign, etc.

Is she Republican, by the way? Just curious.

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by: count @ Tue Apr 07, 2009 at 10:39:20 AM UTC

[ Parent ]

not Republican (4.00 / 4)

just the daughter of a caterer who is probably really meticulous about menu construction.

She has a lot on her plate right now, so I don't think I'll add to her stress over this. I don't mind making the roasted veggies she wants me to make. If it doesn't turn out quite right because I'm unfamiliar with her recipe, that's not going to be my problem.

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by: desmoinesdem @ Tue Apr 07, 2009 at 14:29:40 PM UTC

[ Parent ]

I'm making roast veggies too (4.00 / 4)

don't know what recipe she gave you but mine is never fail.

heat oven to 400

i am roasting asparagus and cauliflower. snap bottoms of asparagus. cut cauliflower into florets. put on roasting pan
and sprinkle with extra virgin olive oil.
Trader Joes has a new house brand Spanish extra virgin that is delicious for this...

let roast for a half an hour at 400..sprinkle with kosher salt.

I also roasted potatoes. I found a golden organic at Trader joes. they must be waxier than red bliss as they didn't come out as crunchy. I used fresh rosemary along with above olive oil.delish

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by: LeeN @ Tue Apr 07, 2009 at 16:29:40 PM UTC

[ Parent ]

Your comment (4.00 / 4)

you should just give general guidance such as, "A veggie side dish (or salad, or dessert) that goes with chicken would be great." If you need to avoid duplication, you can say something like, "Someone's already bringing a pasta salad, but if you could bring some other kind of salad or side dish, that would be wonderful."

is how it's always been for me, in these situations.  Don't know how I would handle a command.

Jeez, sometimes it's even looser than that: once, for a potluck type party, I made okonomi-yaki (Japanese savory pancakes) & they were a great hit, even though they didn't "fit" with the rest of the food (basically everyone at the party was an omnivore & open to new culinary experiences, so that may have been a special case).

But...in terms of etiquette...being dictated to about exactly what to bring & (worse) how to prepare it...that is just rude.  IMO.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. -- Calvin Trillin

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by: Youffraita @ Tue Apr 07, 2009 at 06:16:45 AM UTC

I have a complicated situation, which is... (4.00 / 6)

kind of the reverse to this.

I'm both diabetic and vegetarian.  I eat very little processed food and I am pretty picky about what I do and do not eat.  

I am constantly in the battle of explaining to people that is not their obligation to cater what food they serve to my complicated habits, and that if they want to try it's fine, but not to be offended if I can't eat something.

So I have this thing where people are almost soliciting me for recipes out of this well-intentioned but ultimately overwrought attempt to be a good host.

I've had to, on more than one occasion, just tell everyone to get over themselves over this-- I end up sort of dreading any sort of dinner related event because of this.  There are a few times in my life where I've been actively cajoled into eating something that wasn't healthy for me just to shut everyone up.

I guess this is my long way of saying that we have a way of making what should be just a bunch of people getting together to have a nice dinner much too complicated.  Expectations as to who should eat and/or bring what, expectations over whether or not the party is a success based on whether or not all guests enjoy all the food that's there.

Sorry.  I'm already having a ranty day.

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by: JulieWaters @ Tue Apr 07, 2009 at 09:55:01 AM UTC

I get where you are coming from (4.00 / 4)

It's unfortunate that people feel they need to put that kind of pressure on you.

At some point people who are trying to be gracious cross the line into rudeness, like my sister who will not let you pick up the check for her and has been known to strenuously argue if her companion wants to pay for the meal. Just say "Oh, you don't have to do that" and then say "Thank you" if they insist on paying!

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by: desmoinesdem @ Tue Apr 07, 2009 at 14:31:27 PM UTC

[ Parent ]

sounds familiar (4.00 / 1)

I'm a vegetarian, my sister is lactose intolerant, and my cousin is allergic to gluten.  It makes for very interesting holiday dinner get-togethers, though I think over the years my grandparents and various aunts have adjusted.

Also, I've had people try to make me "burgers" at grill-out parties with those Boca crumbles.... needless to say, they failed horribly.  Next time I'm just bringing some portabella mushroom caps.

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by: xjm @ Tue Apr 14, 2009 at 19:53:39 PM UTC

[ Parent ]

ceremonial meals (4.00 / 4)

since the seder is a ceremonial meal, the foods you eat there are partly dictated by religious tradition and partly by family tradition.  in many families i bet the spread is pretty well fixed by these traditions and not subject to the usual meal etiquette.  there may even be traditions about who brings what.

i've been enlisted to make vegan matzah ball soup - most of our family seder is vegan but MIL was always apologizing to the one vegan that she just couldn't make vegan matzah balls... so i took it on as a challenge, succeeded, and now i know i'm doomed to make them again every year forever :)

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by: sufficiency @ Tue Apr 07, 2009 at 12:39:44 PM UTC

well. (4.00 / 3)

i come from the time when if you were invited to dinner you were expected to bring a bottle of wine or flowers for the host/ess. asking people to bring FOOD is fairly rude imo.
that said, i understand that 'rules' change & economic tribulations bring change quickly.

maybe this is the blending of a traditional meal, once done solely by mom or gramma, with these new times? trying to get all the traditional dishes prepared according to gramma's recipe?

maybe you could suggest a get together after the meal to swap the recipes so everyone has them?

but, regarding regular shared bring-a-dish dinners...
i would say it's extremely rude to not only tell someone what to bring but how to prepare it!
i would understand saying ms.mary is diabetic...could you do a veggie dish that would work? or something like that...

i am one who tries to provide whatever type of food my guests need/require (vegan, no-salt, no sugar...)
i try to have at least 2 if not 3 dishes of the food type...that ALL the guests can eat...& enjoy!
i get flustered when someone says 'can i bring something'....& usually say 'yes, bisquits!' because mine could be weapons they are so hard.


come firefly-dreaming with me....

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by: RiaD @ Tue Apr 07, 2009 at 13:00:21 PM UTC

my pot luck seder Wed night (4.00 / 4)

it's the first time I have done this. Usually I do everything. and this year its vegetarian. And I have a vegan daughter. But I stopped short of sending recipes. but I did make suggestions not that it mattered. My bil is making a main dish with cheese So I just told my friend Mary to make some Indian eggplant dish that won't have dairy in it.She wasn't offended

I am also leading for the first time.I am using a Buddhist hagaddah I found for $15.00 bucks online. and will include supplements about peace between Israel and the Palestinians. there's at least 1 person who be be offended by that. For 28 years I did it my husbands way ( don't say anything contraversial but he's dead now)
so this ones is for me..

Did you see the video diary of the last Jew in Afghanistan?
http://tinyurl.com/dzo7ml

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by: LeeN @ Tue Apr 07, 2009 at 13:26:06 PM UTC

I would bring two (4.00 / 3)

Why not - make an attempt at the beet recipe, and also bring what you would like to eat yourself.

That way, they'll be at least one item on the table I like, especially useful for those with special dietary needs.

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by: Patriot4Peace @ Tue Apr 07, 2009 at 14:48:54 PM UTC

for a long time (4.00 / 2)

i used to go to potluck dinner parties with people who would ALWAYS ask me to bring green salad. I'm about 95% vegetarian and there are SO many different things you can make with vegetables (and fruit) besides green salad.

Then, mostly nobody would ever eat it but me. I always found that frustrating; there were so many other things I would have liked to make, and there's not that many different things I tend to do with green salads.

Just asking people to bring a side dish usually works fine. It helps if you specify who's going to handle meat (if there's going to be meat) and who's going to handle dessert (so everybody doesn't bring dessert), but a variety of side dishes usually in my experience turns out to be just that; a nice variety.

Bringing what you want to make along with the assigned dish is surely a good way around such dilemmas, but I do tend to agree that people who treat potlucks like wedding registries should just cook the whole damned meal themselves.  

"If God were to appear to starving people, he would not dare to appear in any other form than food." - Mahatma Gandhi

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by: Miep @ Tue Apr 07, 2009 at 19:04:12 PM UTC